Friday, January 30, 2009

Here's this guy thinks he's bad to the bone...

Sorry for the delay in posting about last weekend's date, but I don't get out very often so I have to spread it out. I've started Whale Flip Flops (after my favorite and most comfortable flip flops) to be about my everyday non-boy life.

On Christmas Eve, I went with R and her boyfriend to a Russian movie marathon at a Jewish Center. I stayed for exactly half a movie. While I was there, I started talking to A. Nice guy in a nice argyle sweater. (For some reason, the sweater was the one thing that really stuck out about him that night.) He asked me for my number and never called.

Two weeks later, he finally calls. Already a good look. He asks me out for a drink and I say ok thinking I don't have much to lose. I'm a really busy person and tend to make plans in advance, so by the time he asks me out, my first free day is a week and a half away. The day that we were supposed to go out, I got sick and asked to reschedule. The day that we rescheduled for, he had to work late and couldn't make it. (As with the previous date, this really should have been an omen.) We rescheduled again for that Sunday and agreed to go out for drinks in the Village. He told me to take the subway to the West 4th Street station and he'd meet me there. I get there and he's not there. I call him and he says that he's not ready yet, so do I mind just walking to meet him? Saying no would probably get the date off on a good start so I say sure. (I should probably mention that there's a blizzard that day.)

He tells me to walk to McDonald's and he'll meet me there. I walk seven blocks in the snow to the McDonald's and he's still not there. I call him and he says it'll be another few more minutes. He lives right around the corner. What exactly is he doing that takes him so long to get ready? He finally gets there and I ask him where we're going. He says he doesn't know where to go. (Again folks, big pet peeve of mine, you had several weeks to plan this out. I'm not looking for anything uber-fancy here, just a place to grab a drink.) He says it's cold out and he doesn't want to be outside so do I mind if we just go back to his place for drinks? Umm actually. Yes I do. He's like "fine, let's just walk around until we find something."

He finds a bar that he says is really great. They don't bother to card at the door and as soon as we walk in, mind you I had to hold the door open for him, I see why. We are literally the only two people who are legally old enough to be there. We sit down and order drinks. The floor is sticky, there is no such a thing as ambiance, and there are massive screens that are broadcasting every kind of sporting event known to man. Not exactly the best choice for a first date.

We start talking about how we've been since we met, and he tells me that he waited so long to call me is because at the time that we met, he was already seeing a couple of other girls. Classy. I start with the "tell me about yourself line" and the first thing he tells me is that his hobby is watching porn! Where exactly am I supposed to take the conversation from there? Saying "oh tell me more- do you like the movies with costumes and props or just straight up f***ing?" just doesn't seem very appropriate. I excuse myself to go the bathroom so I can send SOS text messages to all of my friends. And just when I don't think it could possibly get any worse, it does. There are no sinks in the bathroom. I thought that was illegal. Apparently "Employees Must Wash Hands" is just a suggestion. At this point I'm desperate to leave, and would bolt if it wasn't for the fact that my coat is at the booth and it's really cold out. I come back and at that particular moment discover that my friend T's fiance just broke up with her. T has been married for several years and has a really cute son, but's that's not relevant. What's relevant is that I have to go console her, right now, or else.

I ran out of there at speeds that could have possibly earned me a gold medal in another setting.


  1. I have no words. He didn't look that creepy at the movie night...I guess it was dark and he was quiet.

  2. Oh holy hell! That is terrible! I'd be rolling in the floor laughing if I didn't feel so badly for you. What kind of guy opens with a line about watching porn as a hobby? I know you're stylish and fun, but he DID realize you're not Paris Hilton, didn't he? She's about the only one I think that line may work on... "You like to watch porn? Well, I like to make porn! I like to make love to the camera while making love to you!"

    You need to move down south soon, honey. At least there seems to be more guys with manners down there...They have to be careful because their daddies smack them if they talk dirty and use that mouth to kiss their mamas.

  3. In a weird way, I'm kind of glad he opened with the porn line. It got the crazy out of the way and allowed me to make a run for it faster.