Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The boy who was raised by wolves

One of the many joys of being a Jewish girl in New York City is that there is always some sort of event that is in reality a singles event that is thinly veiled as a religious/spiritual/educational event. Seriously folks, I dare you to go to a party at the JCC with your boyfriend or fiance in tow. You will get many questioning looks as well as the inevitable look of death. It was at one such event at the JCC that I ran into Oded. Cute, Israeli, Ivy educated, good job, single, comes from a good family. Should I keep going? Basically, on paper he was the perfect guy. Did I mention that he's cute? After some flirting, we exchanged numbers and agreed to go out.
The first time that we were supposed to go out, he cancelled on me, the day of the date. Already a good look. Second time, the same thing. I was getting annoyed and did not want to go out with him, but my best friend R, bless her heart, convinced me to give him another try at a date because how bad could it really be? Famous last words folks. He arranged to meet at Cafe Mozart, which gave him some redeeming factors in my book, because it was one of the best date places in New York and their Raspberry Tiramisu was to die for. Note the use of the word was, not is. When I went online to look up the best train to take to the restaurant, I pleasantly discovered that it had closed 4 months prior. At this point I'm thinking that it's a sign from the fates telling me not to go out with him, but R persuades me to give him a chance. We agree to meet outside near where Cafe Mozart used to be. He arrives, 10 minutes late, always a good impression. I ask him where we're going and he says he doesn't know so let's just walk around until we find something. This is one of my biggest dating pet peeves. If we arrange to have a date, have the courtesy to have something planned in advance before we meet.

We walk around until we walk into a restaurant that turns out to be a steak place. We had previously talked about our religious observances and both discovered that we keep kosher to some extent. I keep the basic dietary rules and do not mix meat and dairy products and do not eat shellfish. Aside from that, I will eat in any restaurant. Oded's will eat anywhere, but he will not eat nonkosher meat. He did not tell me this factoid until we sat down, looked at our menus, and I discovered that my date couldn't eat anything on the menu aside from a baked potato and a side salad, hold the bacon bits. I offered to leave and go someplace else, since we were across the street from a really good kosher restaurant and he said let's just stay here. At this point, I'm subtracting points for stupidity. We order our food, and that's when the real fun begins.

I am very active in my sorority alumnae group and volunteer for it. My facebook profile has lots of pictures of my sisters and I and references to ASA. Basically, it screams "Sorority Girl" from about a mile away. I know the stereotypes that go along with being in a sorority. Trust me, I've heard them all and could probably add on a few more of my own. I get the feeling that this is why he asked me out. As soon as the waiter takes our orders, he starts talking to me about Greek life. But instead of asking questions about things like formals and greek week and sisterhood, all he wants to know is at what age did I become corrupt (his words, not mine), have I ever been in a threesome, have I ever been with a girl, did my sisters and I ever go to football games in snow wearing nothing but bikinis, etc. Basically, this is the guy who rushed every fraternity ten times in college and could not buy his way into one.

By this point I am glaring the look of death at him from across the table, trying desperately to change the subject, and every single person in the restaurant, including the chefs who are not even in the same room as us, can tell that I want this to end right away. I try desperately to change the topic and ask him about growing up in Philadelphia, since I have family that still lives there. He starts telling me about this club that he and his friends used to go to for high school night and how much it sucked once they changed that because high school girls are easier than college girls. Take a minute to let that one sink in folks. So much for that diversion, let's try another way of changing the subject. Movies, always a safe topic, right? Wrong! He asks me what my favorite movie is and I tell him that I have two. My two absolute favorite movies of all time are Casablanca and Phantom of the Opera. He has never heard of Casablanca. He asks me if that is a recent release and if it was an indie film. The movie defined what it means to be a classic. I tell him that it's a recent release only if he considers anything post 1940 to be recent. Then he asks me about Phantom of the Opera. Don't I mean the show? When did Phantom get turned into a movie? 2004. One of my guy friends later told me that most guys don't care or know about Phanom, but for not knowing about Casablanca, he deserves to be shot. Clearly we have nothing to talk about with my movie interests, so I ask him about his movie interests. He tells me that he's really into hardcore action movies. Like every other guy out there, my ex was a huge fan of the Boondock Saints, so I've seen that movie. I tell Oded that I liked Boondock Saints hoping to find some common ground here, but no such luck. Another movie that he has never heard of. I ask him what his favorite movie is, expecting something along the lines of Terminator. Instead, he tells me that his favorite movie, of all time, is Transformers. The Shia LeBoeuf version. I got that movie for my 8-year-old cousin.

Right when I think that my date has reached rock bottom, it gets so much better. And by better I mean worse, naturally. By this time, our food has arrived, and as I pleasantly discover, he is quite fond of chewing with his mouth open. Then, when he gets sauce on his mouth, he chooses to wipe it with the sleeve of his Brooks Brothers shirt!!! I'm sitting at the table with my entire life flashing before my very eyes trying to figure out what exactly it is that I have done in the past to deserve this. I try to pretend I didn't see anything and ask him if he's read anything good lately. He asks me if I mean like magazines, because he reads Maxim and TV Guide on a regular basis. Yes, exactly what I meant. He says that to be honest, he has not read any books for schoolwork or pleasure since 10th grade when he discovered Cliffs Notes and Spark Notes. This guy has a diploma from the University of Pennsylvania. When I ask him about reading in college, he says that he got by with Cliffs Notes and paying people to do his papers for him. By this point, we are done with our meals, and when the waiter comes and asks if we want any drinks or dessert, and I tell him that oh, sorry, it's been fun but I have to be at work early tomorrow and fly out of there.

A couple of weeks later, at Thanksgiving dinner, when I tell my cousin about him, it turns out that they went to middle school together and he was that weird creepy guy who couldn't get a date because he made all of the girls uncomfortable. Nice to know some things don't change.


  1. well...at least he's fueling this blog. and dinner talking about him was fun (minus our too-friendly neighbors). but ew what a loser.

  2. Omg... this guy sounds horrible! You are clearly so much better than, I don't even realize how he expected you to have any interest in him once he got you on a date!

    I can't tell you how many times I have been shocked and astounded to hear that a human being has not seen or heard of Casablanca, The Godfather, Breakfast at Tiffany's, etc. It makes me furious.

  3. Transformers??? LOL. I'm sorry you had to endure that but thanks for sharing.